Coming of age.
Wednesday, May 24, 20174:26 AM
Phew, it took quite some time for me to summon all my mental capacity and overcome my sloth to try and get back in my writing grooves. It's been so long since the last time I properly pen down my thoughts hehe, let's see how I fare in this one. I feel like I'm not as eloquent anymore so there will be some rough edges, methinks. :(
Let's begin with the status quo. I've just finished my foundation studies, made it out of the results announcement unscathed over a week ago, and am now on a quest for uh, money. Having done my foundation programme also constitutes being nocturnal as hell, not rising until late afternoon and never getting out of bed and lying prostrate on it with nothing to accomplish. Sedentary lifestyle at its finest. Every day is an absolute drag. An utter bore.
To say that the transition from life in Dengkil to the relatively quiet life at home was smooth would be far off the truth. It has been over a month since I stepped out of that memorable education haven but I still find myself reminiscing about every single experience that I had there with my friends. I think I have long established that my friends and I have formed a very close-knit and profound bond of friendship that I'd like to keep for as long as I live. Anyone who is familiar with us would know that we are practically joined at the hips. Right now, though, at home where the ambience is too tranquil and devoid of deafening laughter at inside jokes and innuendos, I am missing them utterly.
However, it wouldn't be a worthwhile journey if it was smooth and plain-sailing. It would be deceiving if I say I didn't hurt at some point in the second semester. To my own dismay, I, as someone who holds herself out to have a mental capacity and outlook on life similar to that of a prepubescent child, blithe and frivolous, did get myself into some mildly hot water and failed to dodge altercations a few times.
One ordeal back in February left a perpetual mark in my head, embedded a sense of trepidation within me every time even harmless men approached me. Though it only lasted a mere couple of minutes, that brief touch bordering on assault was enough to leave me traumatised and cry for days until my eyes were spent. It took a lot of consolation and appeasement from my friends, but somehow I managed to pull myself together. That fellow student will always be the cause of me ever being reluctant to go out besides constantly dreading that something unfortunate will befall me. Time passed but I have yet to heal. Still, I forgive him.
Glass is sharp, hard and impermeable, albeit fragile. And akin to that are friendships. An intact and whole friendship makes a formidable force. But what happens if a squabble or fight strikes it with a vengeance? Suddenly all words and reassurances of love and loyalty were forgotten and everyone jostled to prove their own points and get swallowed up in their ego. The hardest part of it was that the tension was conspicuous. And people asked.
Tears were shed, hostile words were thrown at each other, faces were doubled and faith in each other was questioned. Admittedly, I myself succumbed to my selfish temperament that I didn't even know existed. The conflicts were untimely as hell, and I would be bluffing if I say it didn't affect my studies. Because of this, I half-assed my way through my papers but I managed to pass them all by the grace of God. It very nearly ended with no love lost between us. Thankfully it didn't. Now even though we've cleared the air, the creases that formed on the fabric of our friendship can never be completely ironed smooth. To this day it never erased the feeling of remorse inside me. To whom it may concern, I'm so sorry.
Life is funny, innit? So is the prospect of time. And the fact that we cross paths with someone whom we later discover would be the most important person in our lives when we least expect it. I had always longed for someone who can bear with my annoyingly childlike and ingenuous demeanour, and at the same time take me seriously enough as a reliable and capable being. This person, to me, is another level of wonderful. He denies it most of the time, but I insist. Now how do I string my words without blushing and sounding like a pesky lovesick girl to whom Sarah would exclaim, "pergi mampos"? Eeeeeeeee aish. In short, I'd really like to keep this one. Hihi.
Life gives us a lot of bitter pills to swallow, but just as many sweet ones. That's what I learnt all the while in Dengkil. No regrets.
For the girl's best friend.
Monday, February 20, 20173:00 AM
You release a heavy exhale of frustration and discontentment. The past hard work had been futile yet again, you think as you refrain yourself from aggressively tearing the paper within your grasp to pieces. The paper with your subpar score written in red ink at the top, the paper you thought would be a contributory factor to the presence of food and water on the table for your family in the future. Your family, whose fate you so badly want to help turn around.
Standing next to you is a pesky, petite woman with a mind of a 5-year-old, cackling at her own result. To put it simply, it's better than yours. And she is ignorant enough to disregard the contrast in moods between the two of you. She is pleased with herself, but you are dejected with what you now think was an inadequate effort that you had put in to better yourself.
You think you failed. Now she knows for a fact that you are going to tire the hell out of yourself for a better test score, you are going to burn yourself to be able to experience the firework.
You have no idea how apologetic she feels right now. How she hopes so much that you are in a better state of mind. To her, seeing you sad makes her feel sad too.
She now swears to help you out to the best of her capabilities. She hopes the both of you will be able to reach the top of the world together. She who has witnessed your every drop of blood, sweat and tears being profusely drawn out in the process of achieving success hopes and prays to God that you, indeed, achieve it one day.
Just like yours, life is full of difficulty and adversity that it drowns you to the extent where you feel like giving up.
But she thinks you're strong. Remember what strength is? Strength is when you do not give up when everyone else expects you to do so.
The road you're trudging now may seem uphill. Keep trudging it. You will be able to strut proudly later on.
With so much sincerity and love,
Sunday, November 13, 20164:13 AM
The last time I posted on this blog, I went on a rant about the scruples I had in studying Law. With time, the novelty of it all wore off and I now have had a taste of what the legal profession entails. The rigours, the challenges that we have to tackle made me realise that it certainly isn't for the wishy-washy, weak-minded.
I was one, to be fair. But with the encouragement and appeasement of my friends whom I was so so SO fortunate to meet and know deeply, I managed to overcome my doubts.
In the most positive light possible, my classmates are generally full of shite and I love it. But when the time calls for it, we revert to being serious Law students who mean business which manifests in all the discussions pertaining to Brexit, the US presidential election, hudud, homosexuality and special Bumiputra rights lol. We either engage in carefree banters or intelligent debates. We're childlike and we're mature. We formed a close bond over the course of a brief 4 months and for the love of God, I hope it lasts.
Three friends, in particular, became my pillars of strength and my source of resilience. I quite simply love them very much.
One of them is a feisty Leo who has a certain affinity with zodiacs and horoscopes. I've known her since my high school days, albeit during those days there were only touch and go's between us or at most light-hearted exchanges about K-pop. Four months of sharing a room with her was never dreary. She manages to lure me out of my fortified shell that at times it makes me feel like a child she's nurturing to become a strong, independent woman. Mostly our room is filled with screeches of laughter at absurd goings-on around us. Other times deafening cries of envy towards those in a relationship fill the deepest corners of the house to the point that we nearly feel the urge to apologise to all college residents of Dahlia 1. We often joke about being two lonely "boyfriend-less" souls occupying the same room, but it was her, too, that inculcate the notion "we girls don't need no man" in me. I love her confidence and I know she has come a long way to attain that. Her upfront and bold temperament will take her to great distances in the future. And I know for a fact that nothing will ever defeat her.
Another August baby made her entry into my life when I stepped into university. She is as intrepid as I made her out to be on first impression. The innuendos she shamelessly spews out are something my relatively naive mind has learnt to grow accustomed to. Our nightly ritual of leaving lipstick stains on each other's cheeks before setting off to our respective house when the curfew hours start often draw attention from onlookers. Despite that we are never afraid to illustrate the affection that we have for one another, are we? In the 4 months of our friendship, I also discovered that she is a girl with a capricious disposition, but beneath her sturdy facade is a delicate human being who is ever so attentive to others. Admittedly there are some things that she does that I wouldn't do, that I don't exactly condone but I reckon that only beautifies the contrast in our demeanours. The way she carries herself will carry her far. If she ever gets caught in hot water she can always sing her way out of it, which, amongst other things, is something that she does so well ㅋㅋㅋ. She never ceases to give her best, and so she deserves only the best.
This genial person taught me things of higher value than those in textbooks. He taught me that affluence isn't an indispensable aspect in life that helps you to get by, and that strength isn't an inherent quality but is something that you cultivate. To me, he is the embodiment of kindness and generosity. Time spent with him sometimes feels like learning from an adult of great sagacity, other times it feels like we're both frivolous children wondering what adulthood tastes like. I like how our jolly conversations can take a turn for wistful ones. He tells me his life stories that ultimately teach me about the harshness of the world. He is never embarrassed to learn and become a laughing stock in the process. I am able to capitalise on my aptitude for language to help him out, and together we endeavour to better ourselves. For all the trials and tribulations thrown at him, and the adversity and predicaments in which circumstances have let him drown, I pray that life embraces him as kindly as he embraces it.
Onto more challenging stuff in the second semester. Whatever happens, we've got each others' backs. Your baby angel loves you all very much.
All things bright and beautiful.
Sunday, June 12, 20166:30 AM
A little update from the previous post I published a few months ago; I had done my pondering, applied to do English at UIA but to no avail, got an offer to do foundation in Law instead at UiTM. The biggest shocker was that I actually took it up.
As someone who has a naturally quiet, calm and rather subdued temperament, Law was a course I had never taken into account, in fact I ruled it out entirely from the potential fields I'd like to pursue. The legal profession which requires a sheer understanding of the intricate facts pertaining to the rules and regulations that make up the structure of our country had never EVER interested me. I also thought my flimsy grasp on current affairs and particularly politics (eeeeeeeewww) - although that is something I can always work on and cultivate with time - would never qualify me for the job. Plus I pride myself in being the amiable, genial, easygoing, peace-loving individual that I am, which means I'd do anything to avoid conflicts. Finding faults and shortcomings in others and admonishing them are something I detest. You could say that I'm all but an angel ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ. And with that, a conceited piece of shite.
Anyway, those are exactly the reasons why I managed to raise a few eyebrows, even mine, when I chose to pursue it. I thought, "Bugger it, just do it lmao". Admittedly I struggled to come to terms with the notion of becoming a law student. "Law" per se is a daunting term to me. What spurred me on to go ahead with it anyway was my mother's incessant convincing right from the moment the UPU results were released. She was exalted that I was offered the course thereof. My mother was a law student too, graduated with a double degree in Law and Shari'a Law from UIA, albeit she never practised it in favour of being a wonderful full time mother hehe. She won me over, I heeded her advice for she understands and has experienced first hand the rigours of studying Law.
Now this by no means indicates that I'm a weakling who allows other people's words to get the best of me, impair my judgment or influence my choices. It doesn't mean that I'm wishy washy in determining what I want (pfft that's a lie, I don't know what I want). I simply believe that mothers know best. Parents know best. They prevail, always.
I figured that I should have a crack at it. Every education course offers its own challenges to tackle, nothing is a walk in the park and I reckon that lawyers look pretty cool in blazers and black and white formal attire. Lol. In all seriousness, though, I believe I can do it. In my best mate Ihdini's words, Law is as English as it gets (true enough, the several paragraphs in the book of Federal Constitution that I took so long to put my finger on are a testament to it. Tak faham langsung ok!! The words are those I'm very familiar with, but all of them strung together in sentences within paragraphs are freaking nonsensical, asdfghjkl they're hardly intelligible OTL).
One of the few things which makes me feel downcast is that I won't be able to follow F1 and MotoGP as closely anymore. I have to go back to uni every Sunday evening, during which the races usually take place, haish. I'll be missing out on SO much. However, in Yixing's words, "Work hard, work hard, work harder!" Work hard I will, I promise. I will fare well, settle in and acclimatise to the hostel life as best and quickly as I can.
Enough of the depressing matters regarding university. I've actually just returned from a family vacation in the United Kingdom, which delayed my admission in UiTM Dengkil by 3 days hahahah. The UK is extremely enticing to us, which is why we chose to revisit the country after exactly one year. We were all over the place, traveling from town to town headfirst without prior planning in the VW Transporter that we rented so it was one hell of an adventure. An exhausting one, but exciting nonetheless.
I don't think any of you lot is interested in the details and I'm starting to slur my words which I doubt is even possible since I'm writing and not speaking but it's 4 am in the wee hours of the morning and I'm nocturnal and my sleep pattern is shambolic and beyond repair, so here are some pictures.
Bath. Us siblings laughing at little Zahiya's caprices.
Portsmouth, feat. the VW Transporter.
The Royal Courts of Justice. MAJESTIC. Around the premises I saw many lawyers in proper suits and such, wah cool, a motivation to become one too lmao.
Ayah and his two bodyguards. Near Downing Street.
Uncle Hatim's and Aunt Umi's alma mater.
Jamie Oliver's restaurant in Covent Garden.
Portobello Road in Notting Hill. Lots of antique stuff, not my cuppa but beautiful place.
The famous Big Ben. (ISN'T THIS PICTURE SO POSTCARD MATERIAL?? I'm so proud of it, should I edit in a watermark)
Us, bar Hazim who was behind the camera.
I loved my jeans so much, I had been wearing it for 3 consecutive days.
The beautiful London skyline.
I did tip you off on my lack of flair for photography, didn't I??
EXO's comeback!!!! They released double title tracks for both Korean and Chinese versions. One is "Monster", of a really dark concept. Eyeliner, piercings, (fake) tattoos, ferocious choreography and all that. Very intense, something I really like. The other one is a funky RnB song called "Lucky One". The choreography for the latter is UTTERLY endearing with lots of head nodding, oh gahd.
Here's Monster. For the love of God, give love to the Chinese versions too, I implore you.
Check out Yixing at 1:31 to 1:37, hory shet.
Righto, I have to go back to uni later today. Apologies if I sounded slightly ostentatious throughout this whole post. It's late and I'm disoriented. Have a fantastic day. Goodbye, I'd better sleep.
Righto, I have to go back to uni later today. Apologies if I sounded slightly ostentatious throughout this whole post. It's late and I'm disoriented. Have a fantastic day. Goodbye, I'd better sleep.
Wednesday, March 16, 201610:59 AM
After practically 4 months of not utilising my brain, my writing skills have become so rusty. My mind works at a snail pace with it still remaining in hibernation mode. However, lots of things are prompting me to update this blog as some sort of release due to the pressure of contemplating my future plans and chastising myself over my subpar SPM results (zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZ). CRIES. I don't even know where to begin.
Right, maybe it isn't below par, albeit by Sri Aman's standard it'd be considered mediocre, which falls below my expectations anyway.
I'm not going to divulge how exactly I fared in SPM to you lot, what I'd disclose is that it's disappointing enough for me to cry over for a good hour but not as bad as to take me into the depth of depression. Upon receiving my result slip, I was terrified as to how my parents would react, but to my pleasant surprise they took it fairly well. They even cracked jokes about it - whether or not that was a mere consolation for me, to ease my distress and whatnot, I was grateful. Grateful that I have a "chill", easygoing, imperturbable and accepting family who never coerce me into doing anything I'm reluctant to do. They told me they'd support me in anything I'm going to pursue. I'm thankful for the leeway that they provide me with.
Also, to my mates who commiserated with me that night (Dini, Nurin, Syaqs, Ali (Minhoe), Farhana, Shaz, Hafizah, Durrah, Debot, Maisarah, EVERYONE), thank you. You lot are way above my level and have a bright future. And to my beloved, pesky juniors (Amirah Tae, Suraya, Nikki), I feel like I'm in no position to give you any pieces of advice but whatever you do please do not turn out to be like me. Best of luck. *cackles*
Now I've got less than a month to ponder on the next 30 years of my life. Bloody hell.
Let's jump onto some less stress-inducing matters.
I've just started taking driving lessons at Metro Driving Academy not far from where I live. Initially I was inexplicably excited about it all lel. I reckon it wasn't only because of my fixation on the art of driving (it is art) but also because of the sense of responsibility the action of actually being behind the wheel gives you. I was also ecstatic over the prospect of being more self-reliant in travelling from places to places without my father having to chauffeur me around anymore. I thought this serves as a new notch in the belt of adulthood...................but I'm taking AUTOMATIC licence which means I'm not able to ever drive cars with a manual transmission.................which is utterly embarrassing and hurting my pride as an F1 fan ㅋㅋㅋ. Definitely not something that I'm proud of so I won't bandy it around and I hope nobody asks me again after this revelation. Please, I really am embarrassed. But then again who the hell drives stick anymore pffft.
Earlier this year in January I went to Singapore with the rest of my Happiness Delight squad to attend EXO's concert (!!!!!!!). I was excited and really thankful for being able to see them after having only joined the fandom recently, a little over a year ago. Initially my bias, Yixing's (Lay) attendance was provisional, there wasn't any confirmation whether or not he was indeed joining the rest of the EXO members for The Exo'luxion in Singapore. Such speculation even arose because for most of 2015, Yixing had been heavily preoccupied with his own activities in China — Go Fighting recording, a plethora of film and drama shootings, et cetera. Airports were the only places he frequented so he basically lived on planes — which caused him to miss out on shitloads of group activities, which consequently drew a lot of hatred and criticisms towards him.
Sigh, I don't blame his antis for being so disapproving of him mostly being an absentee member of one of the biggest Kpop boy bands currently, but I think as the only, lone, solitary Chinese member left (the other 3 had gone gerak lu, jangan roger), he deserves to carve his own name and be his own successful person in the entertainment industry. Not that he doesn't promote and sell EXO's name whilst he's in China, not that he doesn't reiterate that he isn't going to forsake the group for his own benefit and interest every time rumours thereof surface. Fans just need to put more trust in him. Have some empathy towards him; he's been working himself tirelessly half to death (almost literally) only to be met with hurtful reception. Xingmis have been tolerant enough all this time and now it's getting annoying. I've tried to turn a deaf ear on this matter but it hurts. It simply hurts.
They gave a stellar performance. Dancing, vocals, showmanship. A+. Heh sorry for the low quality photos. I wish I had the flair for photography.
Hang on, where was I? Hahahahah really diverted from my original path, sorry.
ANYWAY, Yixing came!!!!!!!!!!
I tried giving my attention to every single member and believe me I did, albeit with so much goings-on on stage it was difficult to keep up. God, they were all ethereal and even more beautiful in the flesh.
However, naturally my eyes were transfixed on Yixing for most of the duration of the concert. I observed him, rapt. His dance moves were SO sharp, he was so light on his feet. He never failed to showcase a brilliant spectacle, particularly during the performance for the song "Playboy". The way he popped, stretched, gyrated his body, completely in control of his movements and not once lackadaisical. That, coupled with the dulcet tone in his voice when he sings... He even teared up while singing his parts in the Chinese version of Miracles in December. Mesmerising. He was very charismatic.
But then he reverted to being Yixing, an utter sweetheart, the little sheep, the high unicorn, the healing angel (I'm not being mushy, those really are his nicknames ㅋㅋ). The sincerity in his eyes was palpable when he was interacting with the audience. He would look longingly at all fans before him, as if taking a picture of all of us and saving every detail so as to look back at it later in hard times to rejuvenate himself. Also, I swear I'm not exaggerating, but Yixing literally bowed, folding his body 90° for at least 3 seconds at every fan that held up his fanboard. This action was inconspicuous, it escaped many fans' notice and God I wished everyone else saw it too, I know I did and I was so overwhelmed with emotions I burst into tears. Yixing was beautiful.
So were all the other members. I didn't neglect them. Suho was handsome, the one in charge of speaking English lol he was embarrassing but we wouldn't have him any other way. Kai was art, or at least a projection of an artist's mind — his body moved languidly, his face an exquisite sculpture. Sehun had such a presence to him, his skin milky white and he seemed to have a scent akin to that of milk as well (AHAHAHA idek). Chanyeol was........lanky. And handsome, so so handsome. Baekhyun was a loudly barking puppy who was shaking off its fur after braving the rain. DO was the same old DO, someone your mother would approve of. Chen was vivacious and spunky and effervescent and he deserved all the love in the world. Lastly, Xiumin was so oppa. Really.
EXO is beautiful. Here are some pictures.
Yuck. Apologies. I tend to romanticise the things I love.
I shall return to my dreary life and ponder on it. Enjoy your day.
Thursday, December 31, 20155:00 AM
You Got It by Super Junior
We did cross paths long ago, before we really decided to come into each other's lives and hopefully remain there. Well it wasn't an entirely conscious decision. Our fixation on K-pop bound us together. Then, she struck me as a gung-ho child, carefree, brave, quick on her feet with endless knowledge about the world. Now that I have the good fortune to know her, I realised that she's just like me, trying to find a place in this heinous world. Just as much as I hope I succeed I hope she does too.
Sharing innuendos, amongst other things is part of our shenanigans. She laughs at every single thing she finds funny, and is always unperturbed. She's witty and has opinions on every matter. And also to me she has just the looks to match her wonderful disposition.
A bubbly person she is. I pride myself in not being able to find it in myself to have hatred towards anything at all, but I'd hate anyone who bursts her bubble. If she for some reason finds herself being engulfed into the depth of the dark abyss in her head, I hope she musters all the strength she possesses to get the hell out of it.
Once she gets that out of the way, nothing hinders her from getting what she desires. She will achieve anything she puts her mind to. I believe in her.
Her smile is so bright it's as if she's just eaten the whole sun. But I hope the sun doesn't burn her up, and continues to ignite her for the world to marvel at. To me she's a fluffy ball of happiness - I hope she becomes an eternal fluffy ball of happiness.
Love you too. Happy new year. Jjongho forever.
Early life crisis.
Sunday, December 20, 20152:29 AM
I am now sat on the bed in the hotel in Kuantan, Pahang. The rest of my family members are outside, perhaps carelessly frolicking by the swimming pool. They asked me if I'd like to tag along, but I declined. Funny how swimming used to be my favourite pastime. My eyes would light up in delight at the mere mention of the aforementioned activity. Nowadays, however, I often find myself losing interest in many things in which I used to indulge. I figured it's just part of growing up, like a snake shedding its skin. You slowly lose yourself. Growing up sucks.
This family excursion is an impromptu one. Other than my father having work here - always the busy man that he is – the intention is to take our minds off things. For some reason, though, being away from home, even together with my family gives me an adverse effect. It gives me plenty of time to think and contemplate stuff and somehow that makes me feel so constricted yet so lonely. I don't like thinking.
SPM was horrid. That pretty much sums it up and although the thought of how bad I cocked it up never ceases to forsake my mind, I do not wish to discuss it with anyone ever again.
I'm more concerned about my future plans; what I'm going to be doing in the next several months, which course I'm taking, where I'm studying, etc. I'm still adamant about becoming a dietician, albeit sometimes there are always people making me doubt myself and my decision. Zzzzzzzzzzz. My father once mentioned his wish for me to follow in his footsteps and take up architecture. I do have a certain degree of interest in it but I've witnessed him at work. To be able to firmly admonish others and have others admonish you, all the rigours of being an architect besides having immense creativity, and being able to be precise and actually design buildings... I don't think I'd be able to do the job. Might as well pull all my hair out. Some relatives told me (subtly pressured me) that they envisioned me as an engineer due to my fixation on Formula One and MotoGP. I like Physics but HAHA nope bye.
I don't know. For now I'm trying to be open to all options. However I reckon my peace-loving and caring nature (lelel but really) would qualify me for being a dietician. I'm seriously inclined to that but we'll see if anything manages to change my mind in the near future.
Since 2015 is coming to an end, I've been reminiscing a lot about the year, going over and over again the most interesting goings-on and events. Seeing everything in hindsight, I wouldn't exactly dub 2015 an eventful year but to me it had been, for a lack of better word, nice. I gained close friends whom I talk to every day now and have become an important part of my life, I reconnected with my mates with whom I had become distant over the years, I added another one to the 7 years that I go through with my best friend even though our conversations mainly revolve around K-pop, I got to know people with different variations of personalities (there were a lot in Sri Aman) and most importantly, I managed to avoid conflicts with others.
I don't want to lose anyone that I already know in the brief 17 years of my life, even if we have never been close. I know people come and go but I hope you lot stay in my life for a long time. Escaping the confines of safety of school life and stepping into adulthood feel like suddenly being exposed to predators. I've been warned about it but I don't know very much how this world works, in fact I know nothing. I will discover it on my own now and so will you. And then one day in 30 years or so we can all reunite and talk and laugh about our own findings and discoveries about this world, about people, about everything.
I think this song, "Gift" by Super Junior-D&E (or Eunhae as we fondly call them hehe) is quite fitting for today. It's in Japanese, has a poignant yet uplifting sound to it. Give it a listen.
Pffffft. Teenage sentimentality. Ho-hum. Right?